And one more time, to really drive it home: Nokturnal Mortum - Goat Horns (1997)

All symphonic black metal sucks a lot.
Except Goat Horns.
Get it.

20 minutes of black intensity (sorry,it's not a crash segment) Deathspell Omega - Mass Grave Aesthetics (2008)

20 minutes; that's all it takes for this little band to show that they are some of the best around and some of the best that will be.
20 minutes of incredibly well done black metal, of refreshingly bearable vocals, grim leads and stunning pauses.
20 minutes is the time it takes this little band to segue between blazing intensity and quiet insistence more skillfully than most black metal bands can segue between albums.
20 minutes is how long it takes to listen to this album; 20 minutes is not very long at all.
20 minutes later, you will want more.

20 minutes later, you still won't have it.


20 minutes of awesome.

Black Metal Krieg Ist oh dammit i messed up Schattenheer - Schattenheer (2005)

Did you know every time a black metal band plays a bad song, god kills a kitten (or a puppy, if you're partial to them)? Well, that's not exactly true; if it was, there would be no cats, puppies, or tragic inter-breeds left all throughout the world. Black metal is so famous for being consistently bad it's actually SURPRISING when someone does it right. Of course, doing it "right" is, in every sense of the term, purely subjective, which is a long, nonsensical and inevitably pointless debate that I won't get into here. Suffice to say, it is much easier to define what should NOT be done rather than what SHOULD.

For instance, if your vocalist sounds like someone is choking a frog and then recording it...
Please, please, find a new vocalist.
If your vocalist sounds like Jerry the mouse being shin-cracked, you're Cradle of Filth and you know what you did you filthy (get it?), dirty whore (credit goes to my alter-ego-self on Sputnik for that comparison).

Then there's keyboards, which I touched on earlier. Symphonics and metal aren't inherently bad chemistry, but it would not be exaggerating to say almost no one gets that business correct. Guys, you've got to understand, if you're trying to sound evil, juxtaposing your tremolo picked riffs with a purple-ass keyboard is pretty much the first thing on a list of crap you could do to make your record sound less evil.

Other black metal problems include redundancy and repetitiveness, which is to say, every goddamn song sounding exactly the same. Curiously enough, I discovered a band the other day by looking at some side projects of the most repetitive black metal band I've ever heard, Asmodeus. That band sounds like someone recorded one song and then changed the verse length 9 times (the drummer is incredibly talented, however, and deserves a better band). Sometimes black metal bands have the tendency to "rely", you could say, on atmosphere; that is, they play slow, plodding, fuzzy black metal that is, quite boring. Now, you might wonder why it ook a 700 word segue to get here, but as it is, Schattenheer has an extremely excellent atmosphere, complete without retarded keyboards. Once that first riff hits, you know you're in for a ride. 41 minutes of non-stop evil black metal. So, what's the catch?

Well.. the vocalist is only okay. I mean, he does not sound terrible, per se. There's this strange interlude on song one where he alters his voice with an electronic effect and it's kind of out of place (you'll know what I'm talking about). After track 1, though, his voice goes back to normal and you're ready to enjoy some toe-tappingly (irony points) good black metal. If you can look past that, you're in for a grand old time. Get it here, folks: right here click me plz.

...


Seriously, LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CLOWN. STOP IT.

Panopticon/Lake of Blood - Split

This is a split release by American one man project Panopticon and relative unknowns Lake of Blood. Seriously this is worth it just for the Panopticon side of the split. I mean Lake of Blood is a pretty good band; they're not atmospheric like Panopticon and play a pretty melodic brand of black metal, but their side pales in comparison to their split-mate's. You know what's awesome about Panopticon? He DOESN'T SUCK. Happy Joey? You better fucking be.

I prefer the other split Panopticon is involved with (the It's Later Than You Think split with Wheels Within Wheels), but if you're hankering for some quality black metal then this is, my friend, is your answer.

Fuck Wolves in the Throne Room, this guy is the best ABM around right now. You don't believe me? Listen to this or I'll take a dump on your chest, Cleveland Steamer style.

Dies Ater - Odiums Spring (2007)

I hate to make another general post about music, but I'm afraid there's a problem with the black metal of today, too: it sucks. It sounds like a bunch of pussies wanking on their guitars, making themselves feel special inside because, LOOK MOMMA, I can play a tremolo picked riff REALLY FAST.

Good for you.

For the rest of us, it takes more than hyperspeed riffs and "epic" keyboard "compositions" to satiate our man-sized balls (take that any way you want to). To be honest, most of the times I hear a keyboard in music, it makes me want to punch a piano. Fortunately for my hand and for pianos everywhere, I don't own a piano, so I usually just punch a pianist. Either way, every once in awhile, I hear music where the keyboards aren't the most aggrivating thing I've ever heard; those rare records where the keyboards aren't an "element", they're a factor. They play a part in the greater whole and don't COMPLETELY, ANNOYINGLY DETRACT from it. If you've ever heard Nokturnal Mortum, and since we're talking about real men, I'm assuming you have, they are pretty much the best symphonic black metal band ever. Some of you might be screaming at your keyboards, going NO NO NO EMPEROR IS THE BEST.

Nah.

Nokturnal Mortum, aside from kicking ass and taking names and taking kick-ass names, looked at keyboards, and went "you know what, we need TWO of those". Then, as no one else has ever done successfully before or after them, they made it work.

Now, not every band can do two keyboards; Germany's Dies Ater is such a band, with just one keyboardist. But you know why Dies Ater kick ass? Because they rock. Odium's Spring is their latest release, and with the soon-to-be-official crumbling of the band, it will also be their last. On it, however, they are a metal band to the bone; they're not trying to be epic (okay, they are a little bit, but forgive them; they're german, like me; we don't take shit lightly), they are just playing balls-to-the-wall black metal, heavy as hell and absolutely uncomprising. And those keyboards? They're in the background, where they belong, adding to the atmosphere but never detracting from or overpowering it. Not to mention the band are incredibly talented at their instruments and, thank everything holy or unholy or whatever shit you believe in, that the singer is NOT fucking terrible, another problem with black metal today (every little dickwad thinks he can do a black metal scream; I'm looking at you Xasthur). He screams in the native tongue of angry, crazy people, a people I'm proud to be part of: the germans. There isn't an angrier language, and it translates perfectly to the music.

So go on, hit this shit up. If you inherently hate keyboards in music, even more so than me, then you probably won't like this. If you do, however, like heavy, brutal black metal, then go on and try some of what Germany has to offer; you won't be disappointed.

Alda - Demo Spring 09

Pretty sweet Atmospheric Black Metal from Tacoma, Washington along the lines of Drudkh, Ash Borer and Hate Forest. Short quarter hour of music. Definitely something to watch.

Watch it here. and by watch I mean listen.

Ultra Elite: Hate Forest - Purity (2003)

Drudkh are, without question, some of the best black metal being made today. With albums like Autumn Aurora and their latest Microcosmos, their nature inspired take on atmospheric black metal is both alluring and consistently satisfying. Saying they're some of the best isn't hyperbole; it's just fact. If you take that band apart, however, what do you get?

Well, as it turns out, you get some of the grimmest, heaviest, evilest black metal you can find. With a hilariously ridiculous name and a sound to match, Hate Forest give bands like Anaal Nathrakh a run for their money in intensity. There's just one catch: this band isn't some grindy bullshit, just straight-up, balls to the wall black metal. The vocals might not be for everybody, but the people they're not for are pussies. Get your blacker than black metal right here and enjoy another classy treat from the boys in Ukraine.

Hypomanie - Sehnsucht

Ok so I've decided these guys rule. Atmospheric/depressive black metal and shoegaze and post rock all in one tasty package. vocals are great. exactly the right volume in the mix and really affect you. This is their full length.

Sehnsucht

the EP i posted earlier

Agalloch

Felt like adding a random good band. Band is fucking incredible. Kinda Black Metal but not really but fuck you just get it

it

Hypomanie and the start of a Qwe blog

starting this shit up. dunno how long its gonna go before i get bored with it but hey.

first post. relatively unknown Dutch band called Hypomanie. plays a mixture of black metal, shoegaze and post rock. check it out

link